I'll try to keep this short.

I was kicked out today. Of my home. Supposedly because I don't "care" or "respect" the people around me.

I walked around for a long time, crying, and trying to call up my friends. No one answered.

Figures.

I've been battling depression since i was nine years old. It started with a girl who was very mean. She called me ugly and fat and stupid. When I told my teacher, she never believed me, because that girl was always so... "perfect".

Then there came a guy. He was the same as that girl, and has teased me for three years in the same way. Thoughts of suicide filled my head and effected my grades since I was ten years old.

Then came the wish to be beautiful. I stopped eating, binged, and cut myself.

Mom put me in therapy. It helped for two weeks. During the time I was in therapy, my parents acted so nice to me. I felt loved. Once I was OUT of therapy, they were mean again. Maybe they were afraid that I would tell the therapist that they yelled at me constantly and never accepted me.

Since I've been depressed, nothing matters.

I avoid talking to people, because I can never think of anything to say.

After therapy ended, I started cutting again. If I smile, it's because I want other people to think that I care about them. Because I do, I just can't feel it. I feel nothing. Life is a waste of time. That doesn't even make sense.

I think that depression has definetly affected my grades. It's hard for me to pay attention in class, and I get b's on everything now. I used to get A's, but my grade is slowly declining.

I've called the suicide hotline. They don't help. I know they try, but they don't.

I would get help if i could drive. I'm too young.

Mom wouldn't believe me, and a therapist does NOTHING.

I know i'm sick, and i want to get better. It's like there is no God, because if there was, I wouldn't be like this. I've lived in pain and fear for years now, and I'm not better. :(

I was just wondering... do you think pills could help me? I'm at loss with what to do. I hate myself. I hate my life. NOTHING can make me happy. I feel terrible.

I want to hear your stories, just for support, so maybe I don't feel so alone. Can I also have some suggestions maybe?

Thanks :)

Yep. My friend got lingerie. She's 12.

... but oddly enough, she likes it. Hahaha!

I got some random text message at 2 AM saying that parents shouldn't give their children lingerie. I agree with her. It was extremely funny at the time.

She says it's pink w/ black bows. Hahaha!

Well, it’s Christmas Eve. I’m in my room… and can’t sleep. It’s currently 10:37 p.m.

But that’s okay, because I kind of like blogging when I’m by myself at night in my room. Especially when I’m listening to the holy hymns of Panic! At the Disco. They are very holy. Especially the first C.D. *Snickers* hehehe!

Today. . .was very awesome. It didn’t start out awesome, but it got really really awesome.

So we finished up our last of the Christmas shopping early this morning at Top Food & Drug and then at Target. Dad made a scene because I hit him in the leg with the front of the cart. After several LOUD apologies, he moved on. Still holding a grudge for the rest of the day.

Lighten up dude it’s fucking Christmas.

I went home and hung out. I totally pigged on cookies, which means major workouts after Christmas. A.K.A. a day of running non-stop. Woo-Hoo. :) Haha but I don’t mind. . .if I can enjoy myself for now, that’s great, and I shouldn’t worry about the great, large, unreasonable cost of it all.

So I got on IM and Email and did that thing for, like, hours. Many hours. I texted someone very special and it made me feel happy. There is really only one thing I want for Christmas—but I really hope… I’m not the one doing the asking. I hope he does. *HINT HINT HINT HINT HINT*

There I go. . .off into girly dream land where my mind wanders off into unimaginable lands that can only be imagined by my mind. And mommy told me I’m a retard today. She read my letter to “Santa” (I pretty much just address it to mom and put it in an envelope so my younger brother doesn’t see) and she was laughing really hard because I made it really funny and. . .it was funny. Haha!

A tradition my bro & I have is swapping gifts on Christmas Eve. I got him those Chinese sticks—they’re really cool and I wanted them after I sat there and observed him playing with them.

He got me this amazingly beautiful smelling perfume from Gwen Stefani's Harajuku Lovers line. I got a sample of all of the available perfumes, and then I got one big one of which perfume he thought I’d like best. He chose very, very well. :) Thank you, Alex! You’re a great brother (even though you’re a pain in the ass sometimes)! Ily (eww I feel really stupid saying this, but it’s true…)!

I’ve been into the whole Harajuku thing for a very long time. . .and I was thinking about transforming myself into a Harajuku girl. They’re so cute! But I live in snobbish town where bitches wear black sweaters and True Religion jeans and Prada sunglasses with Coach shoes. I look nothing close to them... I have this hardcore punk thing going. I mean, I would be, like, the front-page news.

Just imagine it:

“That one weird girl who looks like no one else in this town”

But i know that part of being a Harajuku girl is taking pride in who you are—smile to those who look at you funny, and be nice to those around you.

Being a Harajuku girl sounds fun. :)

I think I’ll try it—and give them something to talk about.

Merry Christmas everyone! Goodnight.

xoxo,

Kiki